Thurs, 31-May-2012

Today was not as productive as I have originally planned, but I haven't had a day of real rest in weeks now.  Twelve consecutive days of socials and bringing food to many of them has really stressed me out and been way too much for me.  I still want to provide the Salazars with a meal since they gave birth to their baby, but have not been able to.  Two more other families are going to be giving birth within the next month or so, and I want to do meals for them, too.

I've not been able to attend one social that does not allow children, which is mainly things like baby showers, bridal showers, or birthday parties that don't allow my kids.  And, since we live in SE Gilbert, most people are so very far away from us, which means that driving to any social event costly gaswise, as well as wear and tear on my car.  And, my car is in need of maintenance.

Though I committed to the baby shower for Saturday, I may have to bow out of this because I'm so incredibly burned out.  All the gifts for birthday parties, showers, etc. are too much for us, especially not being in a good financial situation.  I truly need to be able to take care of my kids and I on the very basics before helping others.  It makes me feel bad that I probably won't go on Saturday, but it's not only financial, but also my energy to replenish from everything in May will take more than a couple days.

Today we needed to go run some errands, but I'm so mentally, emotionally, physically drained from everything.  I really appreciate we are so loved and invited to so many things, but it makes me feel so pressured to "perform" rather than just show up and enjoy.   I'm so behind on finishing my little nephew's blanket, that I feel bad that it's now more than 2 months since I meant to finish it.  I need to get that finished and I really need down time.

I'm an introvert, though a low level introvert, I really need that time to myself to replenish.  Just got a text to ask if I could bring something to the baby shower on Saturday and this shower has been in the works for over a month and 2 days before it to get a notice?  I know, everyone is busy.  I'm just a single parent and have my kids 100% of the time.  My kids dad is 100% UNINVOLVED.  Everything rests on me, including financially providing, time, everything.  I've not had a real vacation in a long time, or can financially afford right now to even take a trip out of town for a couple days with my kids.

I feel stressed bringing baby gifts to that shower and the shower the following week, the gas to get there, finding someone to watch my kids, making food.  It's just too much for me.  I'm just right now deciding except for my normal stuff.  I really need to take a huge break from everything this month.  It stresses me out to have to find someone to watch my kids to do things, on top of everything else that I need to do.

So, for my health and sanity, I'm going to have to RSVP no to the showers and maybe the birthday parties in June.  I need a break.  I personally need to be nurtured.  I haven't had time to do my workouts and the past 2 weeks, have not really had the time to eat properly because I'm doing all these things for other people, including my kids.

So, today's eating?  I did well on everything except for the 1/3 bag of Nacho Cheese tortilla chips with sour cream I ate.  Breakfast I had eggs with mozzarella cheese, lunch I had my homemade moussaka (leftovers), and for dinner I had Indian vegetable & beef curry (leftovers).

I want to get back to my workouts and do them 3 days per week, take some time for myself to nourish myself, spend alone time with God to replenish, read, quiet time.  I know.  I have done this to myself and I have to take responsibility that I have not had better boundaries and that I have overcommitted to things.

The hardest things for me to do is to attend things that don't allow my children, have to buy gifts, and to bring food.  I know it's to spread the work out so not any one person is burdened and I can appreciate that.  Anyway, I cannot afford to timewise, energywise, or financially afford all this.  Right now, my tanks in all those areas are not only depleted, but I'm in a deficit.

Most people I know that are divorced do not have their children 100% of the time, so on those times they don't have their children, they do get a break.  That isn't my case.  I never get a break.  I just want to spend alone time with my kids and not be obligated to go anywhere, bring anything, spend any money.

I didn't workout today.  But, I did spend a lot of time sleeping.  I've taken 2 long naps.  The only thing I did was try to catch up on my gratitude journal, which I was 2 weeks behind.  Now I'm 1 week behind.  Other than that, I haven't done anything except watch trading videos.  I haven't been outside or gotten out of my jammies.