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I thought I was a truthful person, but over the years and these months with my beau, I'm finding that I'm not as truthful as I thought I was and rather, I lived in denial for a long time about all sorts of things.  My sister years ago, maybe 5-6 yrs or more ago gave me a book called The Traveler's Gift: Seven Decisions that Determine Personal Success by Andy Andrews for my birthday.  I put it away in my closet and it wasn't until I was cleaning the closet in 2009 in my former home that I found this book again.

As I sat to read the book (I hate fiction), I felt compelled to read it and it's one of the books where the point has stuck in my mind for the past 3 yrs.  "I am where I am because of the choices I've made."  That just seems like an easy sentence to say, but the impact of that sentence has echoed in my mind for a long time now.  Andrews goes on to explain what that meant.

My family has helped me out greatly on so many things and it's very humbling.  They've also helped me to not be in denial about things, but I think I wasn't ready to accept my full responsibility all at once, so it's been a process.  This year, I've made a lot of changes emotionally, probably more than any other years to get out of unhealthy ways of thinking.  I'm seeing things change, but still, there are areas that I haven't yet conquered.

Over the past couple months, my beau and I have aggressively addressed a lot of junk in my life and I'm seeing how I've been able to handle things that I could never overcome until now.  The junk had to be forcibly removed by my own choices & actions and I am finding freedom, some huge weights lifted off me.  It has been really painful to come to the reality of how I remained stuck in some areas, almost paralyzed and blind to what was happening until he had the courage to help me press through and show me how certain things were not helping me, rather harming me.

I consider myself an intelligent person, a go-getter, but somewhere in the past 5-6 yrs, with multiple failures in so many things, I have felt a barrage of defeat.  I recalled the person I was before never accepting defeat, and just going for it, even if I failed.  But, the emotional stuff with my children really pulls at me.  I totally love, I mean love, being their mom.  It's such an incredible experience, even through the hard stuff.  There must be a way to make decent money not working for someone else, and being able to raise them.  Yet, I haven't found success there yet and I really need to soon.

My beau pointed out that my mindset was really born out of rebellion.  The Bible says that rebellion is as witchcraft, which is NOT a good thing.  I went at things in my own strength, never listening to anyone, just doing things my own way.  Thus, the results are where I am.  Living in denial.

So I was reading something one of my friends wrote about a person she subscribes to (Steve Pavlina), how his stuff has helped her in her life.  So, I clicked on the link and he had a podcast called Truth & Awareness. It's a short podcast of less than 15 min.  Anyway, this topic was what my beau and I were talking about last night with relation to my eating that day.  He was trying to get me to stop making excuses and to face the truth, then take actions, little by little.  Eventually I saw the point, but it wasn't until much later.

Over these months, God has been exposing lies I've believed and have lived in denial of the truth.  I believe that as I allow God to help me see the Truth (whether it is through Him or various people and circumstances), that my life will begin to transform in a way it's never done.

It's very humbling for me to realize for someone who hates to lie, hates that people lie to her, that I have lived in denial for so long, which is a lie.  Ironic, eh?

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